With these human brains of ours, we are hardwired to compare. Having the mental capacity to analyze information, recognize patterns, project outcomes and make decisions is truly a gift. How lucky are we? Unfortunately, we use these same analytical skills to evaluate and compare ourselves to others. How unfortunate that we aren’t a bit more evolved so that we could see the shortcomings of this practice.
Imagine a life free of comparison. Ahhh. When I do, I immediately feel a sense of lightness, as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel free to create and to just be. It’s a wonderful feeling – if only it could be sustained. Unfortunately, upon re-entering my everyday world, the comparisons return like well-trained homing pigeons.
My Issues
Just to set the stage for this discussion, I’ll reveal some of my comparison issues:
I compare the work I do to the work of my peers
I compare my accomplishments to those of others
I compare my income/belongings to neighbors and associates
I compare my body/fitness to women in my Yoga class
I compare my compassion/generosity to those I admire
While some could say that these comparisons could be used for self-improvement and positive change, I believe in my case, it’s generally detrimental. I happen to be one of those people who go through life thinking ‘I’m not enough.’ While we’ll skip over my upbringing and the source of this mindset, let’s just say that I’ve never had particularly strong self-esteem.
I’ve recently started studying the Yoga Sutras, which has introduced a new way of looking at this affliction. In Nicolai Bachman’s book, "The Path of the Yoga Sutras", he talks about Asmita, or a distorted sense of self. Asmita, meaning “I am-ness,” is having a distorted image of ourselves that does not match reality. It is either egotism or insecurity, both of which are forms of delusion because they do not represent the truth – that we are no better or worse than anyone else. He goes on to point out how we often mistake our bodies, our minds, our thoughts and emotions as who we are, forgetting we are all just shells that house the same pure inner light of awareness.
The idea that I’ve been operating with a distorted sense of self really resonates with me. While I’ve always discounted and been uncomfortable with praise, I have started to reflect on some of the things I’ve heard others saying about me. I’ve received much praise from clients for the work I do. I’ve received many heartfelt thanks from people I’ve given my time to. I’ve even received recognition and appreciation from complete strangers who have stumbled upon me performing some generous act. I’ve started to ask myself, “what if they’re right?” What if these people see me in a more truthful light than I see myself? The biggest wakeup for me was in thinking about my relationship. I have a wonderful man in my life who truly loves me. Our relationship is very healthy, respectful, generous, honest. How is it that I’m able to attract this type of love into my life, if not worthy?
Like any ingrained programming, this isn’t something I can fix overnight. However, I work on it every day. My focus is on giving myself as much kindness and praise as I give others. When I find myself comparing my accomplishments to others, I remind myself that ultimately, we’re all the same and none of us are any better or worse than the other.
Keep the Channel Open
I was recently reading an article about a famous dancer and her correspondence with her mentor. This dancer was constantly judging her work and continually confused by the disparity between her beliefs and the outside world. When thinking she had done her best work, she got horrible reviews. When doing what she thought was mediocre work, she got rave reviews. He mentor told her that it was not her job to judge her work. That one should not compare their work to others nor try to figure out how valuable or useful it can be. She says “It is not your job to tell yourself, ‘NO.’”
The mentor goes on to say that it is merely one’s responsibility to simply create. “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.”
Going the Opposite Direction
This discussion wouldn’t be complete without some mention of the tendency to compare in the opposite direction – egotism. While my challenges have always been with insecurity, egotism is just as rampant a problem. Some people believe they are better than others because of their accomplishments or status. The ego loves to win. Fame and power naturally come to those who excel in certain fields. Often this fame and power can lead to conceit and self-centered actions. A champion athlete brags after winning a competition. A corporate executive treats her employees with derision. A wealthy person looks condescendingly at a janitor. This egotism contains an element of fear – fear of eventually losing one’s elevated position and power, which, with time, is inevitable.
An inflated ego can actually limit us. The narrow-minded view of a superiority complex closes us off from our most powerful potential – the realization that those around us are reflections of ourselves and that treating others with kindness and respect will open doors of opportunity that would otherwise have remained closed.
"Come as you are.” ~ Pema Chodron
All this to say that if we can let go of this paralyzing act of comparison, we can open ourselves up to a lighter, more joyful world where we give ourselves the freedom to simply be who we are and to create freely. We must celebrate our uniqueness and the fact that there is only one of each of us. We are all complete and beautiful just as we are with a very unique purpose for being here.