My mindfulness practice never ceases to be of benefit. While oftentimes it’s subtle, quietly working unnoticed behind the scenes, it flexes its mighty muscles when needed most.
So, I’ve been going along just fine for some time now. In spite of the world news being a perpetual shit-show, I’ve managed to find a little slice of paradise in my tiny little bubble. I work at my day job (graphic design), I teach and practice meditation, I hike, exercise and do Yoga with a sweet group of friends and I have a harmonious home filled with kitties and a loving partner. AND…we’re both still healthy. Much to be thankful for.
However, after several long months of doing too much (too much work, too many deadlines, over-committing, failing to build in idle time in my schedule), I experienced a bit of a meltdown recently.
It came on slowly and it took me a few days to recognize how I had become intolerant. My clients, always demanding and needy, just started to really grate on my nerves. I found my dinner conversation shifting from pleasantries to complaints. Upon rising in the morning, my typical optimism was replaced with a mild sense of dread. I felt heavier, darker, slower, blah.
Now, I had the luxury of a few quiet days recently around Labor Day. It was nice. I had very little work that week and was able to do some gardening, got caught up on my reading, took a few naps and enjoyed some crafts and cooking projects. It felt good after a long busy stretch. What was interesting though, is even though I was doing things I truly enjoyed, I had this sense that there was something keeping me from enjoying these things fully. It’s almost as if there was a subtle veil between me and the activity - just a thin filter that kept me arms length away from truly experiencing joy. This awareness, I’m not fully FEELING this moment, was the first subtle prompt coming from my mindfulness practice.
Following Labor Day, work came back with a vengeance. It’s as if all of my clients came out of hibernation simultaneously. Everything seemed to be urgent and I felt pulled in every direction. The intolerance and dread from the previous weeks returned, only stronger. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, angry, very judgmental and just plain ugly. I felt like I was drowning and everyone was against me. I had a very strong desire to just bail - to just tell everyone to fuck off, close my business and run away. (I actually spent about an hour online playing around with retirement calculators - trying to determine if there was any way I could feasibly retire now… I can’t.) Late afternoon when my partner Michael came in to say hello, the damn burst. I unleashed a barrage of complaints and injuries, followed by desperate tears. I had become SUCH a victim!
Honestly, I wanted Michael to validate my complaints and to tell me to close up shop - that he’d take care of me and that I no longer needed to make a living. I really wanted to hear that from him - I wanted him to rescue me. However, Michael has good boundaries and has done tons of work on himself. He clearly saw what was going on and just listened. He acknowledged that I was struggling, he heard me and offered me comfort, but he did not offer to take on my burden. Good boundaries, Michael.
Another subtle benefit of my mindfulness practice was that in spite of my being in this agitated state, I also had the awareness that something was off. It’s as if I was able to step back and observe myself outside of the emotion. I was able to see that something had shifted, things hadn’t always been this way, and for whatever reason, I was in a distressed state. I had this sense that I was MORE than just the emotion. That the emotion was really like a passing storm cloud, not me, just something happening to me. This sense of separation was the opening I needed to get back to a more stable footing.
I love the saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I can cite many examples of this in my life. It’s really cool how I manage to stumble upon a quote or reading exactly at the time I need it most. This happened again recently. I had just started reading ‘Hardwiring Happiness’ by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. For a few days, I was resistant to reading, it just felt like too much work. But one evening, I encouraged myself to give it a try. I opened the book to Chapter 3 ‘Green Brain, Red Brain’ and OMG, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
Rick Hanson is a neuropsychologist/meditation teacher. His writings have really helped me to understand how the brain works and how we can proactively change our brains to create more positive experiences in our lives.
In this chapter he talks about the evolutionary development of the brain, the nervous system, and our negativity bias. He explains how early man needed to be hyper-reactive to simply stay alive. He goes on to say how even though the world has changed since early man, our brains can still operate very much they way they did then. Even though we don’t have nearly as many threats, it still feels like we do. While my deadlines and overwork weren’t life-threatening, my nervous system was reacting as if they were. I was freaking out - fight or flight, baby.
Hanson went on to talk about our negativity bias, how we naturally are inclined to anticipate the very worst things happening as a means of being prepared for threats and surviving. However, the only possible action coming from this negative state is to be reactive. In reflecting back on the past few weeks, I can see that I was being completely reactive - almost like a caged wild animal.
When we’re reactive, we aren’t thinking clearly. We are lashing out, trying to hurt others before they hurt us, we are shutting down and we’re running away. It’s opposite, responsiveness, gives us space. Space to think clearly, to explore options, to come up with solutions, to find compassion. Instead of knee-jerk reactions, we make well-considered choices.
What pulled me out of my funk was this: gratitude.
Hanson writes a lot on the subject of gratitude. He cites that we are able to shift from negative states (reactive) to positive states (responsive) by simply finding things to be thankful for. Instead of focussing on all that is lacking in our lives, we instead look at all that we have. From simple things like our homes, food and clothing to gifts like sunlight, nature, animals, friendships. Gratitude is powerful and can actually strengthen positive neural pathways in our brain. The more we practice gratitude, the greater our capacity to experience joy.
What’s kind of funny, is that I teach gratitude as a part of my mindfulness meditation curriculum. How curious that my personal practice had gone dormant while at the same time, I’m teaching it. Regardless, Hanson’s guidance righted my ship. He suggested that we proactively savor pleasurable experiences. For example, while playing with one of my new kittens, to allow my heart to open, to allow myself to really FEEL the pleasure that comes from the experience. And instead of quickly moving on to the next moment, to stay with it for a bit longer….maybe hold that feeling of pleasure and appreciation for an extra 15 or 20 seconds - to just fully savor the experience.
I practiced this exercise throughout the next day and felt a really big shift. I found pleasure in my garden, in my partner Michael, in the sunlight and cool breeze, in my friendships and just walking around my neighborhood. By the time the evening rolled around, I was in a completely different place. I felt weary; being angry and defensive can be exhausting; but I also felt peaceful.
In the past, I would dwell in negative states for weeks, digging myself deeper and deeper into a rut. However, with a regular mindfulness practice, I am now able to step outside my emotional reactions, to recognize that something is out of balance, and to seek a solution quickly. I will always be human, I will always get distracted and fall, but with mindful awareness, I am able to return to wellness much more easily.
As busy humans, it can be hard to maintain wellness practices. We are continuously challenged by new obstacles and it’s okay if we get lost a bit. I think what’s most important is that we have wellness practices - whether it’s meditation or Yoga or being outdoors - we remember and we return. Just like being lost in thought during meditation, it’s okay, we just notice that we’ve become distracted and gently return our focus.
How I Caught Myself Before Falling into the Abyss