As someone who has both a strong compulsion to help others as well as a good deal of self-doubt, I often find myself struggling with cognitive dissonance. What is cognitive dissonance? Simply put, it is stress that occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, values, or participates in an action that goes against any one of these. One example is knowing that you need to quit smoking because it’s dangerous to your health, but you keep smoking anyway - there’s an inner conflict.
My inner conflict comes from an authentic desire to help others heal, while feeling inadequate and ill-prepared to do so. I have plenty of life experience and training and could contribute a great deal to others, however my self-doubt is often paralytic. I tell myself that I’m simply not enough and my desire is unattainable.
All of this stems from childhood. Some of my earliest memories involve feeling less than everyone else and how strongly I longed to be more. My neglectful parents didn’t provide much encouragement or support and many times, I was on my own when needing comfort or nurturing. I felt unloved, I felt unworthy. I discovered solace in escapism, especially through television. I was really enamored by Hollywood and came to associate celebrity with worthiness. If I could only become a famous actress or rock star or beauty pageant winner, I would be enough. I would be worthy of love and attention and I would matter just as much as everyone else. A majority of my childhood was spent lost in the fantasy of someday becoming someone famous. It’s sad to think that I didn’t spend that time doing something more meaningful, like honing skills and talents to support my adult life, but I’m sure there was much catharsis in the escape.
As I matured and segued into adult life, the stronger artifacts of this occupation dissipated, but never dissolved completely. The fantasies of becoming a rock star or super model morphed into business innovator, having a prestigious title, corner office, and press coverage. The target changed, but the motivation remained the same - compensating for my innate inadequacy. I wasn’t enough, I needed to be more.
It’s probably appropriate now to mention that I’ve accomplished a lot. I’m a self-taught graphic designer who has been successfully self-employed for close to 20 years. I have travelled extensively and had many remarkable experiences. I have many wonderful friends. I conquered addiction. I have a life partner who loves me and treats me with tremendous kindness and generosity. I have a retirement savings. I have my health. I am intelligent, articulate, interesting, adventurous and by goodness, people like me!
But, I’m still not enough.
My latest battle with ‘not-enoughness’ surfaced when I sought to launch a new business. I’ve been studying for the past few years the subject of mindfulness and meditation. I’m certified to teach and have built a beautiful website and brand identity. I was really enjoying the process until the time came for me to start soliciting clients. I very quickly became overwhelmed as the voice of my wounded child grew stronger. This voice told me that I had to once again strive for celebrity and anything less would constitute failure. I had to have the biggest clients, I needed to acquire a cool office space (probably with a small staff), I needed to start getting speaking gigs (including a Ted Talk, of course), I needed to make at least five figures my first year and I probably needed to get a book deal in the mix, as well. Holy crap! My interest took a serious nose dive as the requirements continued to pile on. It didn’t take long before my enthusiasm morphed into panic. I dreaded even thinking about the business and considered extinguishing the effort all together. I was completely overwhelmed.
Two things helped me get unstuck.
One, Big Magic. Two, The Ripple Effect.
Big Magic.
Elizabeth Gilbert rocks. Her words totally resonate with me. Early in her book, Big Magic, she talks about the inhabitants of earth. There are people and plants and animals and bacteria and fungus, et. al, and then there are ideas. She speaks of ideas as conscious forms that need people to help them manifest. They drift around the planet, looking for just the right person to bring them into form. Some people pick them up then drop them, others reject them outright, but they continue to search for a worthy host to bring them into being.
I love this.
When thinking about my idea, the idea of becoming a meditation teacher, I reflected back on when I believed the idea first came to me. It’s been about seven years now. I found appreciation and compassion for this idea, as if it were a person. I appreciated it being so patient with me, for sticking around even when I went dormant or became doubtful. I reflected on the times when I felt overwhelmed and how I could still feel the desire somewhere in the background. That idea, just hanging out, patiently waiting to manifest…I really appreciate it’s faith in me.
The thought of my being the lucky recipient of this great idea brought me back from my despair. It’s as if I owed the idea it’s manifestation. It had been faithful to me (and stuck around) - now it was time for me to reciprocate. It really moved the focus away from me (and all of my wounded child, ego stuff) to the life and expression of the idea. I didn’t matter as much as the work itself. This really helped.
The Ripple Effect.
With my inherent self-doubt and compensatory quest for celebrity, I have always sought to help people in big, life-changing ways. I have always fallen short, or, so I thought.
My thoughts about failing at this effort started to shift when I got a call from a friend. Jill wanted to share with me what she calls a ‘heemeesheemee’. (Jill’s definition: anything mystical, spiritual, coincidental or hard to explain.) She went on to tell me how she ran into an old friend at the Buddhist Meditation Center in Dallas. She hadn’t seen this woman in over a year and it really surprised her to run into her there, of all places, a meditation center. The woman told her that she and her husband had been attending for several months and it had had a significant impact on their lives and relationship. She also introduced Jill to a couple of friends that she had invited along. They too, had experienced positive shifts in their lives since having started attending. Jill then inquired how she knew about this place. The woman said she couldn’t remember her name, but there was a short woman, a designer she thought, with red hair and glasses that she met at a workshop Jill had hosted last Winter. This unnamed woman had given her a postcard, promoting a free public lecture at the Buddhist Center. I was that woman with the postcards.
This account meant a lot to me and helped me to see how we really don’t know how we impact the lives of others. We can’t follow all of the reverberations of our actions. I spoke to this woman for all of five minutes and gave her a freak’n postcard. That’s it. It had a significant impact. I’m certain that things like this have happened many other times in my life and I have to get comfortable with not knowing about them.
Another example comes from a old friend I hadn’t seen in ten years. When we finally reconnected and had lunch recently, he expressed thanks for all of my help. I was surprised, how did I help? He told me that when we first became friends, he was in debt, depressed and felt stuck in a dead-end job. He said that seeing my example of working as a successful freelancer triggered a change in him. I had hired him for a few programming projects early on and through our affiliation, he gained the confidence needed to pursue additional freelance work. In a short time, he had paid off his debt, which contributed positively to his depression. Over the years that followed, he moved up to one good job after another and eventually became a partner in a big technology company. He was happy and healthy and making more money than he ever had before. He said that I was the catalyst for this transformation. Wow.
So, I now find myself ready to pursue my new business in a more meaningful and authentic way. The panic and overwhelm have subsided. I honor the idea that has found me as an appropriate host and am thankful for it’s patience and presence in my life. I hold space for my wounded child, but no longer need to compensate for perceived inadequacies - I am [more than] enough, famous or not. I have shifted my focus from future celebrity status to making the most of my daily work. I am present. I am fueled by love and my desire to help. I feel blessed. I acknowledge that I will never be a rock star, but unsung hero feels like a better fit, anyway.